I discovered something powerful. Foolishness can liberate. Let me explain. So last week Friday I'm driving to the office and I feel guided to listen to Maxwell's Stop the world.. I've always enjoyed the sultriness of this song but that day it felt different. I listen again. Suddenly I felt very desirable and attractive but not in a sexual way, attractive in a soulful way. I listen to the song again and this time my eyes start to tear up. Perplexed I ask myself why? Then it hits me. I remember my future self. Future Chule was singing these deeply moving words back to me.
I was singing to myself "Imagine if it was, if it was you, here. Let the world rage outside, cause when I'm here with you, the world stops for me, the world stops for me."
I felt like a deep well quenching its own thirst. I felt the love in me of me, the way God, Source, the Universe feels about me. It's always been theoretical for me, like a scientific hypothesis that must constantly be proven by achievements, money in the bank or recognition. It was never just love for the sake of love, loving me for no reason that can be counted. I felt enormous! And I must confess I wasn't having the best day before this divine moment.
Days before we were to leave for Barcelona on a month long work residency, we had no confirmation of funding. I felt foolish and ashamed for believing in this big, absurd dream. Then I remembered The Voice of Knowledge by Miguel Ruiz. In this practical guide towards inner peace it says, "if you are experiencing negative emotions it's because the liar-in-your head is abusing you." My emotions were telling me that there was a lie I was empowering, placing my faith in it.
So picking up from my last post, I started to feel into my future self. I asked her how would she behave in the face of pending failure?
Answer: With unshakable self love and confidence because nothing can make or break us.
I was afraid to fail ( experienced as rejection) because I believed that the trip would validate my worth,that others would see me worthy to invest in. So it stands to reason that if no one supported me it's because I wasn't worthy.This was the self-worth equation I had calculated so arrogantly.
Then God says to me (cause we homies like that) "Don't be afraid to look foolish, if you're not afraid to look like a fool, you're not afraid of anything." Boom drops spiritual mic! How many times have I not done something cause I'll look like an idiot if it fails. Like Brene Brown says, I've been beating tragedy to the punch by not living too loud, too fully.
So I recorded myself crying and singing Maxwell in my car parked in the street scaring passers by and the hip folks of Greenside to prove a point (click here to see video). I'm no longer afraid to be a fool, I'll dream even bigger aiming for the stars and falling into love.
